Yes! You too can master time with the effective frugality of Scrooge McDuck by following the following steps!

1. Tell Strabucks Employees To Teabag You instead of ordering those expensive gouped-up espresso drinks. Yes we know everyone has evangelized the hell out of the “Latte Factor”, but look at the facts: Not only is tea cheaper but you don’t need to add a lot of crap to it to make it taste good. You can drink as much of it as you like, and get the benefit of having antioxidants in your diet. I personally hate green tea, but whatever you drink just make sure it’s not that fake herbal stuff. Herbal tea is for hippies and old ladies with sensitivity to caffeine and do absolutely nothing to prolong your living skills.
2. Rape the Willing because the more sex you have the longer you are likely to live. Ah the only catch here is that it costs money to have safe sex, so you might ask “why not just be celibate?” The truth is the celibate ones die first, just look at your local 40 year-old virgins, they are all stressed out and fiending over something they can’t seem to get. If the difference between you and a good long American life is only a twenty-five-cent condom away you deserve a good slap in the face. The money you save from not going insane, having a good hormonal functionality, and lower stress far outweighs the cost of personal lubricant. Oh and while having lots of sex be sure to note the following step…
3. Sell Your Kids before they hatch. Send all your excess human reproductive excrements to your local donation station for some extra cash flow and use the money to buy a fancy poodle or a friendly piranha. Research shows that having pets that love their owners unconditionally is great for reducing stress and being happy and besides kids are messy, obnoxious and expensive. If you have kids already try giving them away or trading them for homeless cats at the animal shelter. Married couples often lose their lives and dreams to kids because having babies is a full time job and you don’t get paid hourly, or even with money. Having a fish that just swims around and blows bubbles all day, well how cute is that?
4. Pretend You’re a Vampire and avoid the sun at all costs. What’s the point of living to be 300 if you look like a mummy? The aging affects of the sun can cause you to look 10 to 20 years older without the right UVB and UVA protection. Not only should you be blocking these harmful rays you should use a daily moisturizer and exfoliate regularly. Afterall, a healthy looking skin is important. Even if you’re falling apart on the inside it’s still cheaper to take care of the outside!
5. Hack Up Bystanders with a Machete for hours playing Grand Theft Auto. Playing challenging and interactive video games not only sharpens your mind and coordination, it reduces stress by allowing you an escape from the problems of the real world. Of course not all games were made for all people, but with the introduction of the Nintendo DS and the Wii even grandmas get a boost from video game activity. But like all things, it’s only good in moderation. Don’t forget to get your lazy bum up, run 10 miles, and lift some random boulders. That’s still free isn’t it?
6. Use the Microwave to defrost your frigid heart because helping the old lady across the street is going to do wonders for your developing heart conditions. Research shows that people who are more courteous and mindful of others are least likely to have heart disease and diabetes. Your old grumpy ways could be a sign of some developing condition brought on again by stress, so fight it by being tooth-decayingly sweet to random strangers and have peace of mind to know that you’re doing both you and the world a bit of good.
7. Visit the Urinal Regularly and get that wonderful sigh of relief that can only be brought on by drinking buckets of water. You knew this one already, but for some reason you needed to be reminded. Besides how else can you replicate that heavenly feeling of an overstressed bladder finally being released. It’s better than sex. Got Water?

What are you waiting for? Armageddon ? Get started!

Always,
Juan