Setting the tone for Phase I
2005 is a year I can only classify as one of the most difficult years in my life thus far. From having a nervous breakdown of sorts, almost being kicked out of school (I actually withdrew from school to avoid this but was not able to go back until a year later), disassociating myself with most of my acquaintances, isolating myself, passing the days in a dark and lonely depression, nightmares, fear of death from health complications, and many other things I can’t begin to describe. Suffice it to say they were dark and horrible times for me, but I refused to ever give up. There were times when I would look up into the night sky (one of my biggest inspirations) and wonder if God, whatever he is, whatever his name, creed, and concepts may be, that if he loved me and was looking down on me, and knew all of what I was going through, why would he let these horrible things happen to me.

I fought with this idea a lot, why, why. Then clues began to reveal themselves to me. I read somewhere that some of the great artists suffered immensly, and there was speculation as to whether or not these individual were great and did great things because of the intense emotion that often manifests itself during hard times.

Ever since I was a kid, I have had many strange instances of people prophesizing about my life and my potential. I always thought they were weird and never paid any mind to them, until these instances started to happen rather frequently in the most random of situations, from people I did not even know. Maybe this is all just coincidence, but it made me start to believe that maybe someday, somehow I would be someone great, not that I wasnt already =), but that maybe I had a bigger destiny than I could possibly perceive. So you can imagine how self-gratifying it is for me to say, that maybe I’ve suffered, and in fact continue to do so, as the foundation for some passionate drive that is going to launch me in the direction of some big destiny. Perhaps?

I might be completely wrong, so let me turn to some more reasonable explinations.

Thinking back on my life I can recall a number of occassions where I beg and pleaded with God to grant whatever my deepest desire was at the time, and from year to year this has varied.

Need vs. Want

God please get me out of this apartment. I asked for it, and I got more than I bargained for — I spent the next 6 months living in actually 4 different apartments, which were all jacked up for various reasons, from crazy land lords to the floor collapsing! Maybe I shouldnt have asked!

God please help me get into NYU. In 2000 when I started considering my options for school, NYU was the one place I had to go. I would be in New York, and around friends, and would never be at a loss for things to do. I had to go! Well no the hell I didnt. Sadly I didnt get accepted to NYU because my SAT scores were off by a few points, I was miserable for a few months, but I went to Syracuse instead. The same fall that I went to Syracuse, 9/11 happened. Most of the students in Syracuse are from Long Island and Manhattan, so to say the least the school was traumatized (as was everyone else) at the horror that hit NYC. But imagine, for just one minute if I had been accepted at NYU that year. Hello NYU is downtown, NYC! Greenwhich village! I would have been right in the middle of all that airplane crashing, buildings collapsing, people jumping out of windows, I cant imagine what people their had to go through, and even less I cant imagine what would have happened to me had I gone to NYU.

God please help me get this job
This actually happened during the preliminary of my Phase I plan. I was poor, with no money for food, or bills, or fun, or for the bus. Man it really did suck. I took a medical withdrawl from school to avoid getting kicked out, which meant that I had no financial aid for the entire year. It got to a point where I had to actually go and get food stamps, because I was in no condition to be working, distraught, and entirely besides myself. Food stamps only did so much, and I grew tired of not having my basic needs met. So what did I do? I went and looked for a job. See my post (The Premise - “Any person that can first see that they are in a hole can then chose to stay in it, or chose to get out of it.” ) I hadn’t had a job in 3 years, but with a wide range of office, and administrative experiences under my belt I figured this would be no problem, and even more so, I had experience in design and programming, so I could find something! I thought to myself. One day while I was sifting through Administrative Assistant ads on Craig’s List (craigslist is awesome, well it was ’til they went from community commercial) , I decided to take a side trip to the Web/Designer positions available in my area. I just happened to run across the perfect ad, it was for a webmaster position at a community college, and I met all the requirements! Awesome! And what was best is that it paid $65K a year! Wow could I get that? I bet you I could if I tried hard enough. And try I did. I put together a portfolio (which I have never been motivated enough to do before), I meticulously wrote the perfect cover letter and went over it twice, thrice and a million times, I called sent flowers and chocalates.. ok well no I didnt, but the point is that I went out of my way for these people.

Much to my surprise, my enthusiasm paid off. And yes I was on my way to my interview!

… to be continued.

All the challenges I have faced are not for not though; I have learned a great deal about myself, about life, about the way I think, and the feelings I feel.

~1mil